“Sir, what if God is leading me to someone that I’m not physically attracted to? What should I do? Should I go ahead? Should I conclude that God is not leading me? Is there any place for physical attraction in the choice of a life partner?” This is one question I’m often asked as I sit with singles discussing matters of relationships and marriage. My response to them is the basis of today’s write-up. Couples will also glean wisdom from this.
Friend, attraction is important in marital relationships. Contrary to what some have been taught, God does not force a spouse on anyone. He wants you to be happy doing His will (1 John 5:3). He wants you to be holy and happy. Love and like are not the same. Whereas love (agape) is the foundation for successful relationships, likeness is part of the things that make it work. We are commanded to love, not to like. Love is by the Holy Spirit, like is by your will (Romans 5:5, Galatians 5:22).
Don’t marry someone you are not physically attracted to (Genesis 24:63-67). The bulk of marriage is physical. I usually say that marriage is 100% spiritual and 100% practical. People only focus on the spiritual. They often don’t realize that they would have to deal with a spouse that snores, has body odour, is poor in hygiene, and does not take care of his or her look. These are subtle issues that put pressure on homes and marriages.
While God can lead you to someone you are not physically attracted to, you must not rush into such a relationship or marriage (Romans 8:14). You need to develop likeness before you marry. I was not physically attracted to my wife when God led me to her on campus. I did not even know her that much. But I spent over three years knowing her, developing friendship and likeness, asking God questions, and also convincing myself why she would make a good wife. I did not rush into the relationship, neither was I forced by God or anyone (Isaiah 28:16).
Don’t make attraction the basis of your choice. Don’t ignore it, either. Find what is attractive about whom God leads you to and choose to magnify it. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder (Genesis 29:17). What you focus on magnifies. The brother may be short in stature but very sound intellectually. Don’t focus on his height, focus on his intellect. The lady may have a flat chest, but she has a good character and is very hospitable. Focus on the latter.
Don’t put pressure on your spouse or potential spouse to change what cannot be changed (1 Peter 3:7). Rather, make her feel valued by appreciating what she has got while improving what can be improved upon. Husbands, constantly bathe your spouse with the right words. Her beauty would follow your words (Ephesians 5:26). Spouses should invest in each other. Don’t leave your spouse the way you met him or her. Refine each other. Money can do a lot. Words, too, can perform wonders. Wash her with your words (Proverbs 31:28). Inner beauty is the most important, but don’t neglect the outward (1 Samuel 16:7, 1 Peter 3:1-7). Is this helpful?
‘Demola Awoyele
Lead Pastor,
Destiny Impact Church
Akure, Nigeria