Years ago, a mentee of mine was in a relationship with an amazing Christian lady, but his need to control her every step sabotaged it. I pulled the guy aside and laid out healthier ways to love and respect boundaries. He wouldn’t listen. Eventually, the lady broke up with him, saying: “If courtship feels like a dictatorship, marriage would be a life sentence.”
Friend, marriage is not bondage. It is freedom. It is a blessing (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). The moment a relationship or marriage does not allow you to be free to explore and express yourself, there is fire on the mountain. Unfortunately, most controlling spouses are well-intentioned, but good intentions are not enough. Wisdom is key (Proverbs 4:7).
Some spouses tend to control their partner out of love. But true love is freedom (1 John 4:18). True love is the liberty to be you while growing and getting better. When you supply people understanding, you don’t need to control them. The instructions you give provide structures that regulate their lives and behaviours without your direct involvement (Proverbs 31:1-10).
Parents who take their time to teach and train their children don’t need to cage or control them (Proverbs 22:6). Don’t just be a husband. Be a teacher and builder. Don’t just be a parent. Be a trainer. Training anchors people and decides their behaviours (2 Timothy 3:15). Also, churches that don’t teach people end up controlling people.
Sadly, some Christians love to be controlled (2 Timothy 3:6-7). They want their pastors to tell them who to marry, what to wear, the job to do, and the kind of food they should cook in their homes. Pastor, if you find yourself in that kind of congregation, you are not in ministry. You are stuck. A controlling pastor is in bondage himself. Training frees the trainer (2 Timothy 2:1-2).
Creativity is only possible in an atmosphere of freedom (2 Timothy 1:6-7). When the brain has no consciousness of restrictions, it frees itself to explore possibilities. Husbands, if you want to get the best from your wife, train her; don’t cage her. She would make mistakes, but correct in love (1 Peter 3:7). Give her wings to fly, not crutches to lean on.
‘Demola Awoyele
Lead Pastor,
Destiny Impact Church
Akure, Nigeria